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Mother and son and his wife enjoy each other.

His face kept changing shades of red and pink. Very obvious on his pale skin. Then my decency returned.

"Aww... Tom, I couldn't do that to you. It's a revenge fantasy."

He started to look crestfallen.

"Look, look," I hastily added, trying to assure him, "I tend to fall for assholes. No, I always fall for assholes. Afterwards I want to blame them and ignore how many red flags I ignored. For weeks. Or months. Or in the case of my daughter's father, years." I was starting to ramble. "But anyway! You're a good guy! I couldn't do that to you."

He seemed to be deciding whether to be more disappointed or angry. "Nice guys finish last, is that it?"

How was I supposed to respond to that?

"Uh... No... I..."

"You don't take me seriously, do you?"

"Well," I said a little irritated, "you're eight years younger than me. Wait, why do you want someone to do that to you? It's so mean!"

"I... oh forget it." He sighed and started to stand.

Panicking, I waved him to sit back down. "Please! Let's figure out a way to move through this awkwardness. If we don't, the next time we run into each other on the street, we'll both die blushing. The coroners wouldn't know what to think."

He sat back down. "Where do we go from here?"

I took a deep breath. "Let's see. First I should thank you for your vulnerability. It's really sweet."

He rolled his eyes.

"Okay! That's not helping. Uh... shit... I'm thinking." I threw my hands up in bewilderment. "Are you sure you've never been an asshole to a woman?" I said with a giggle. "That would really help."

He looked forlorn.

"See, it's men like my daughter's biological father that should be chained to trees." I sipped my coffee. "For forever." Another sip. "Nothing? Are you sure? Tell me about your first crush. There's got to be something."

He smiled.

"What?"

"I like that bossy tone." Then he imitated me, "Tell me about your first crush."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "I can't believe we're having this conversation. We still work in the same field remember! What if I end up being your supervisor some day?"

He smiled wolfishly.

I rolled my eyes back the other way. "Okay, pal, your first crush."

He started talking. It was pretty sweet. Painfully so. Maybe natural selection does work against niceness because it was a wonder he ever got laid, his tale was so sickeningly saccharine. By crush number three I was getting bored and these junior high girls were blurring together. So I started asking him questions to make him talk as if these were at least PG stories and not G ones.

He perked up under my questioning. He said he liked my tone. His romance life? Still tame. Other than teasing him about his having simultaneous crushes in college on seniors named Emma and Jane who were best friends it was b-o-r-i-n-g. He'd flunk out of asshole school the first week. First day.

Impatiently I asked, "Why didn't you ask them out?"

"They were out of my league."

"So you suffered in silence? Dude, is your purity test score still in the nineties? Have you ever done anything naughty?"

The bluntness of that question seemed to take him back. "What about you?"

I shook my head firmly in the negative. "Nope. Buddy. This is about you." I felt equally bold and rude saying that. It was such a violation of the rules of conversations. We should take turns answer each other's questions.

As if I hadn't gone far enough out of the etiquette zone, I blurted out a very crass, specific question. His voice quivered as he started to answer. I don't know what was in my coffee, but I snapped at him, "Don't you dare get evasive." I hesitated and then tried to figure out how to word an apology.

Weirdly after that he started to get very demure. He slumped and kept looking down. It wasn't low energy. He was kinda excited about it.

And strangely... so was I. I had never been put in a situation in which I could ask someone personal questions without the risk of having to answer such questions myself. The more probing my questions got... I realized that he was getting turned on.

When he mentio

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